The arrival of Adam was just the start of the Evil Cilla’s tricks for the Love Island contestants as they were hit with several surprises in the weekend from hell.
Continue reading “Love Island: Real tits, tell-tales and twists”
The American show is that weird kind of reality television; it’s trying to help people while exposing their cheating partners on screen. But I can’t help but feel they wouldn’t be so sympathetic if they weren’t making so much money out of other people’s misfortune.
It has a similar vein to Jerry Springer but without the audience. But with as much faux outrage at the inevitable violence that occurs when the suspect is caught out by their partner, the cameramen and a couple of bouncers.
It’s not really for us to judge those who are cheating because for all the VT’s we are shown, who really knows what goes on behind closed doors. But I can’t help but suspect that fewer of the relationships would end up broken if things were dealt with, without the audience or the drama.
Presenter Clarke Gable doesn’t have the smugness of Jeremy Kyle but he also doesn’t have the charm that oozes from elder statesmen Springer. Maybe he’s too young to be trying to sort out other people’s life, but it’s clear that him, his ‘perfect hair’ – as one suspect called it – and sympathetic eyebrows only serve to aggravate the situation in some cases. Although I would expect nothing less than a show from the grandson of legendary actor Clark Gable.
I’m not saying he doesn’t want to help these people, but I can’t help but feel that therapy might be a better idea than sticking a camera in their faces. Or talking to them in that patronising tone usually used by teachers.
That said, there is something honest when the suspect realises what they’ve lost. Or when the current partner and the extra person in the relationship both dump the cheating idiot. I’m truth, they’re normally my favourite clips.
And you can’t fault the way they make the show, anyone would think they were exposing terrorists the way they zoom in on photos, record calls and perform DNA tests on dirty knickers that have been left laying around the house. You know, as you do.
As much as I laugh at the faux fights and the proclamations of how they’re ‘going to f*ck them up’, there is a part of me that ends up feeling kind of sad. Sad that we’ve got to a point where we can’t solve any problem in our lives without the aid of a television crew.
Even more depressingly there are often kids involved and the thought of them seeing their parents or carers on TV like this does make me feel nauseated. They didn’t choose to be involved in this madness, and many of them will undoubtedly be damaged by the events.
Has life really got that hard that we need to turn to a TV show in order to sort of out for us?
It makes me think of that Wretch 32 line in Traktor.
I couldn’t have said it better myself.
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NH
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Cheaters is on CBS Drama at 10pm on weeknights.
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If Carlsberg did uncomfortable silences, they would’ve been smug as hell while waiting for Sophie to reassure Tom that he didn’t need to worry about the arrival of Amorous Adam. Sadly for him the initial decision was taken out of his hands when Adam decide to invite ‘our Soph’ for a glass… of lemon cordial. Talk about a big spender.
Admittedly Sophie said she understood how Tom was feeling as she would be angry is some beaut just rocked up and tried to put it on her man. The boys had a little pec-to-pec and it was clear that being new to the house meant Adam was still acting as we do in the real world. You know the situation, the one where you don’t ask a guy who’s known a girl for a week, IF you can take her out for a refreshing beverage.
Although it was a complete surprise Adam can even breathe, let alone look at anyone else as Zara followed him around the house like a dog owner with a pooper scooper. She made him breakfast, well scrambled eggs, before ensuring that he was no further than two metres away at all times. So the look on her face when he chose Olivia as his first date, was priceless. She claimed she wasn’t bothered, but the flames coming from her nose told a different story. I wonder if that was get skill when she won Miss GB. Did you know she was Miss GB? She doesn’t like to talk about it, so you may not know she is Miss GB. But she is, she’s Miss GB.
And talking of girls who can’t catch a break; what is Caroline Flack actually paid to do? She does a couple of intro VT’s otherwise we barely hear from her. I’m not exactly complaining, but can still feel a little sorry for her. Especially after she also lost the X-Factor gig as well. On the plus side, the voice-over guy is Dave Lamb for teenagers.
But even worse than Zara’s slightly OTT flirting our couples then had to make the male’s ahem, member, out of clay. The general consensus is that Dan is extremely blessed in that area. The judging at the end was funny, but the zoomed in camera shots while they were moulding felt a wee bit icky. Let’s just say, it wasn’t exactly Ghost. And the boys aren’t exactly Patrick Swayze.
But that was nothing compared to the shock of self-proclaimed ‘bezzies’ getting down and dirty at bedtime. With his current victim Rachel in the next bed! They are only coupled up because Malin and Terry realised they preferred each other.
Curiously Olivia was as shocked as us by the events, although after an awkward chat it doesn’t appear as if there will be a repeat performance. So he’s all Rachel’s – what a lucky girl she is.
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NH
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Love Island is on ITV2 every evening at 9pm.
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Big Brother is like that big piece of chocolate cake you really can’t say ‘no’ to. You enjoy it while you’re munching, but feel so dirty after. Well that is Big Brother; you know you shouldn’t, but you still watch it anyway.
Luckily we have the absolutely fabulous Emma Willis taking us through the launch night madness. Even if you think the housemates are a bunch of idiots, you can’t deny that Emma gives it all an air of legitimacy that neither the show or channel deserve.
With that said, let’s jump right in and tell you who you’ll be loving to hate over the next 12 weeks. It’s gonna be a a long arse summer people!
Mario: He giggles. A lot! And frankly I’m not completely sure even be knows what the joke is. The son of a world renowned chef is making me wish all rich people cut their kids off, because I sincerely doubt he’d be able to call himself a model without Daddy’s moolar. Like my colleague remarked, he’s a whole lot of teeth, and a hell of a lot of hair. I wouldn’t give you great odds on there being much more.
Emma & Victoria: If you told the Cheeky girls to procreate with Jedward, then this would be the hell brought upon our poor earth. They’re loud, excitable, vegans; and yes Laura, there ARE two of them. Sadly I have only two eardrums and they may puncture both of them.
Embed from Getty ImagesAndy: While I completely respect Andy’s stance on the irritant that is Tyson Fury, his arrival in Big Brother is probably because everyone needs to eat. So far he’s seems like ‘the clever one’ and unless there is more to him then I expect him to soon become ‘the boring one’. Because we all know many of the voting public hate any housemate who is relatively decent and normal.
Laura: Arriving in the house, Laura immediately claimed her mouth had done “that really tacky thing”. Not, as it turns out, a reference to her alleged dalliance with unnerving man child Justin Bieber, but an ambitious attempt to redefine thirst. A subscriber to the “OH MY GOD!” school of excitement, Laura was chastened when the crowd booed her claims to be the ‘Holy Grail’. Our only hope now is that she meant in the Raiders of the Lost Ark face melty way.
Alex: It’s pointless telling you about the plug and play good looks of actor slash model Alex. I could emote for hours about his Jesus Navas-esque eyes, crap jeans and worryingly orange ankles, but these gifts were lost to you the moment he opened his gob and announced that Vicki Pattison is his best mate. As you know, my esteemed colleague Natasha hates Vicki with disturbing ferocity, and has editorial control over this article.
Those ankles though.
(NH – I would happily make friend’s with VP if it meant meeting Alex. He looks like he smells wonderful)
Lateysha: Faithful subscribers to crap TV will be familiar with Lateysha, who appeared in MTV’s aborted attempt to stretch the Shore brand into Welsh Wales. History will tell us that the Cardiff experiment didn’t work, but anything that allows us to post the self styled ‘Beyonce of The Valleys’ tackle Amazing Grace at a singing lesson again is a winner in our book. One to watch. With the sound down, probably, but still. (Ed – You have been warned)
Evelyn: After she described herself as ambitious, reckless and impatient; it was easy to see why BB chose her for the show. Although only time will tell us if she will deliver on the drama and sexual tension expected of her. Less commercial than the like of Laura and Lateysha, it will be interesting to see how the public take to her. She could be the horse as dark as her hair.
Sam: Now I’m never a fan when someone declares themselves ‘the best-looking, smartest or prettiest’ but you can’t deny he has really good hair. And that suit clearly wasn’t from Primark. He’s already started a bromance with the adorable Jackson but we’ll have to reserve judgement on whether he’s a twat. Though he is a gent as he showed when offering to share his bed with Laura.
Georgina: Moments before I was due to post this I realised I had forgotten all about her. So with that said…
Jason: As the son of a notable madman, Marco Pierre White Jnr probably assumed that the role of alpha male was his to fill. The look in his eyes as Jason, property developer, Lahndoner, James Bond bum double and all round enormous bloke strolled in was worth the licence fee alone. Or maybe he was just questioning the logic of someone wearing a waistcoat, suit jacket and jeans out in public. Who knows, or even cares?
Embed from Getty ImagesJackson: Having taken time out of a busy career as a short sighted Dappy tribute act, Jackson’s future hangs in the balance. Will he emerge triumphant in three months time, having secured a contract to present a shouty yoof programme on E4 or disappear back into the politically charged frontline of the Nottingham council estate from whence he came? He’s my tip for something. I’m not sure what yet, though.
Chelsea: On the plus side, Chelsea doesn’t shout SHOWBIZ! in response to literally any stimulus, but his choice of costume suggests he’s nailed on for the peacock that eventually collapses into nervous breakdown territory. That’s a debate for later, though. For now, let’s concentrate on the issues at hand. Is that a wig? If so, what kind of person chooses THAT wig?
Which leaves us with The Others, as KW remarked; the whole boiler suit/mask/diary room chair thing was lifted directly from metal band Slipknot. I think if they’d actually got Slipknot to be ‘The Others’ the whole enterprise would be more fun. And the implied peril more real.
It’s hard to disagree when the only person of the six who seems capable of playing the game is the allegedly racist Andrew. Ryan in particular should have a tattoo on his head screaming: Desperate to be Famous! Suspecting it may be possible with all that botox… And we were beyond shocked when he broke the news he used to date Sam, given the latters comments on camp gay men.
But you had to feel for poor Charlie when her very recent ex Jason discussed their relationship. The words: “I spent nine months chasing her and five trying to get rid of her”, are enough to shut even the most open of hearts.
The Others were completed by Natalie, who used to dominate men for a living; and Jayne, who now runs a company getting proof that people’s partners are cheating. The honey trapper investigator also claims she slept with Chelsea footballer John Terry. I’d like to say, lucky her, but…
I mean, do would think BB wanted people who were going to divide opinion? Helen Wood anyone!
The masked randomers are completely by bisexual Irish traveller, Hughie. Don’t be surprised if he turns out to be one of the smarter contestant’s while winning a few hearts along the way.
It remains to be seen how many of them will get into the main house or whether their willingness to play the game will come back to bite them. But hey, it’ll be a laugh finding out.
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NH & KW
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Big Brother is on Channel 5 daily at 9pm, followed by Big Brother’s Bit on the Side.
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It really is hard to keep up with our Islanders because ever time I switch on there are new faces and different pairings. But that continual potential for drama is probably why it’s getting it’s highest ratings, ever. That and the pared down responsibilities of Caroline Flack.
But firstly, we have to discuss Malia-Gate. I didn’t get a good vibe from her VT but she went into that house to cause drama, and that’s exactly what she did, although it backfired spectacularly. I was surprised how quickly they removed her. On Ex On the Beach, Angry Lewis caused three fights before being ejected. That said I’m not condoning what she did, and we should praise the makers when they try to prevent any violence. There is no need to put your hands on anyone.
That said, Kady’s reaction to the whole situation was very Nikki Grahame. But without the charisma and childlike exuberance. This weird game of kiss-chase that her and Scott are playing could get boring awfully quickly. Do I think she spilled the drink deliberately? To be honest, I couldn’t care less!
Especially after we had to watch them swapping tinned fruit mouth-to-mouth. If it was supposed to be sexy, it wasn’t.
The air hostess seems nice enough, but I don’t know if you can effectively declare how classy you are; when you’re in a bikini and about to enter Love Island…
Rykard definitely seems taken with her which could spell more trouble for Olivia, after she was dumped by Terry in favour of Malin. The blonde’s description of herself as ‘a bruised apple that no one wanted’, was surprisingly astute. She may find herself following Javi out of that door.
To go with the two that came in on Day 2, we’ve ha another two girls and boys we have four boys – although only two of them will stay. Confused much? Me too!
So far three of our couples have had Sex and I’m not sure if that’s a lot or not many. Either way I’m kinda glad I don’t know.
Right now I’m liking fewer ‘stars’ than I dislike. Which is really annoying because they are actually creating a great guilty pleasure show. We’re not bombarded with it all year long, unlike Towie at times. Given it’s only on once a year, you would think they would have made a better selection of people. We’ve got Sophie + Tom, Malin + Terry and Cara + Nathan all loved up which is great, but bubblegum and fairytales is never good for viewer enjoyment.
We had Terry going on about the feelings he has for Malin. But to be honest I’m not sure if it’s love or hunger. The boy looks like he can eat.
Basically I need someone to go in there, mess stuff up, preach some home truths, drop the mic and walk out. Cami Lee style.
Come on ITV2, because after Tuesday’s live Big Brother Launch you may well be my only reality TV hope.
NOTE: At least until the start of Playa in Marbella, starring Elliott Wright.
Love Island is on ITV2 at 9pm or available at ITV Hub.
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