Let's Watch Telly

Big Brother is like that big piece of chocolate cake you really can’t say ‘no’ to. You enjoy it while you’re munching, but feel so dirty after. Well that is Big Brother; you know you shouldn’t, but you still watch it anyway.

Luckily we have the absolutely fabulous Emma Willis taking us through the launch night madness. Even if you think the housemates are a bunch of idiots, you can’t deny that Emma gives it all an air of legitimacy that neither the show or channel deserve.

With that said, let’s jump right in and tell you who you’ll be loving to hate over the next 12 weeks. It’s gonna be a a long arse summer people!

Mario: He giggles. A lot! And frankly I’m not completely sure even be knows what the joke is. The son of a world renowned chef is making me wish all rich people cut their kids off, because I sincerely doubt he’d be able to call himself a model without Daddy’s moolar. Like my colleague remarked, he’s a whole lot of teeth, and a hell of a lot of hair. I wouldn’t give you great odds on there being much more.

Emma & Victoria: If you told the Cheeky girls to procreate with Jedward, then this would be the hell brought upon our poor earth. They’re loud, excitable, vegans; and yes Laura, there ARE two of them. Sadly I have only two eardrums and they may puncture both of them.

Andy: While I completely respect Andy’s stance on the irritant that is Tyson Fury, his arrival in Big Brother is probably because everyone needs to eat. So far he’s seems like ‘the clever one’ and unless there is more to him then I expect him to soon become ‘the boring one’. Because we all know many of the voting public hate any housemate who is relatively decent and normal.

Laura: Arriving in the house, Laura immediately claimed her mouth had done “that really tacky thing”. Not, as it turns out, a reference to her alleged dalliance with unnerving man child Justin Bieber, but an ambitious attempt to redefine thirst. A subscriber to the “OH MY GOD!” school of excitement, Laura was chastened when the crowd booed her claims to be the ‘Holy Grail’. Our only hope now is that she meant in the Raiders of the Lost Ark face melty way.

Alex: It’s pointless telling you about the plug and play good looks of actor slash model Alex. I could emote for hours about his Jesus Navas-esque eyes, crap jeans and worryingly orange ankles, but these gifts were lost to you the moment he opened his gob and announced that Vicki Pattison is his best mate. As you know, my esteemed colleague Natasha hates Vicki with disturbing ferocity, and has editorial control over this article.
Those ankles though.

(NH – I would happily make friend’s with VP if it meant meeting Alex. He looks like he smells wonderful)

Lateysha: Faithful subscribers to crap TV will be familiar with Lateysha, who appeared in MTV’s aborted attempt to stretch the Shore brand into Welsh Wales. History will tell us that the Cardiff experiment didn’t work, but anything that allows us to post the self styled ‘Beyonce of The Valleys’ tackle Amazing Grace at a singing lesson again is a winner in our book. One to watch. With the sound down, probably, but still. (Ed – You have been warned)

Evelyn: After she described herself as ambitious, reckless and impatient; it was easy to see why BB chose her for the show. Although only time will tell us if she will deliver on the drama and sexual tension expected of her. Less commercial than the like of Laura and Lateysha, it will be interesting to see how the public take to her. She could be the horse as dark as her hair.

Sam: Now I’m never a fan when someone declares themselves ‘the best-looking, smartest or prettiest’ but you can’t deny he has really good hair. And that suit clearly wasn’t from Primark. He’s already started a bromance with the adorable Jackson but we’ll have to reserve judgement on whether he’s a twat. Though he is a gent as he showed when offering to share his bed with Laura.

Georgina: Moments before I was due to post this I realised I had forgotten all about her. So with that said…

Jason: As the son of a notable madman, Marco Pierre White Jnr probably assumed that the role of alpha male was his to fill. The look in his eyes as Jason, property developer, Lahndoner, James Bond bum double and all round enormous bloke strolled in was worth the licence fee alone. Or maybe he was just questioning the logic of someone wearing a waistcoat, suit jacket and jeans out in public. Who knows, or even cares?

Jackson: Having taken time out of a busy career as a short sighted Dappy tribute act, Jackson’s future hangs in the balance. Will he emerge triumphant in three months time, having secured a contract to present a shouty yoof programme on E4 or disappear back into the politically charged frontline of the Nottingham council estate from whence he came? He’s my tip for something. I’m not sure what yet, though.

Chelsea: On the plus side, Chelsea doesn’t shout SHOWBIZ! in response to literally any stimulus, but his choice of costume suggests he’s nailed on for the peacock that eventually collapses into nervous breakdown territory. That’s a debate for later, though. For now, let’s concentrate on the issues at hand. Is that a wig? If so, what kind of person chooses THAT wig?

Which leaves us with The Others, as KW remarked; the whole boiler suit/mask/diary room chair thing was lifted directly from metal band Slipknot. I think if they’d actually got Slipknot to be ‘The Others’ the whole enterprise would be more fun. And the implied peril more real.

It’s hard to disagree when the only person of the six who seems capable of playing the game is the allegedly racist Andrew. Ryan in particular should have a tattoo on his head screaming: Desperate to be Famous! Suspecting it may be possible with all that botox… And we were beyond shocked when he broke the news he used to date Sam, given the latters comments on camp gay men.

But you had to feel for poor Charlie when her very recent ex Jason discussed their relationship. The words: “I spent nine months chasing her and five trying to get rid of her”, are enough to shut even the most open of hearts.

The Others were completed by Natalie, who used to dominate men for a living; and Jayne, who now runs a company getting proof that people’s partners are cheating. The honey trapper investigator also claims she slept with Chelsea footballer John Terry. I’d like to say, lucky her, but…
I mean, do would think BB wanted people who were going to divide opinion? Helen Wood anyone!

The masked randomers are completely by bisexual Irish traveller, Hughie. Don’t be surprised if he turns out to be one of the smarter contestant’s while winning a few hearts along the way.

It remains to be seen how many of them will get into the main house or whether their willingness to play the game will come back to bite them. But hey, it’ll be a laugh finding out.
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NH & KW
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Big Brother is on Channel 5 daily at 9pm, followed by Big Brother’s Bit on the Side.