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Made in Chelsea – South of France: Triangles, backgammon and other games

I thought this was Made in Chelsea, not Playa in Marbella…

I can’t keep up with the Chelsea lot. Who fancies who, who’s slept with who and who wants to sleep with whom. 

I mean is bloody hard to keep up when these lot swap partners like the rest of us swap lipsticks. So to recap… 

Francis has been hooking up with Toff, but he had a date with Olivia and they have a connection. 
Jamie is worth Frankie, but being the little scamp that he is, he thought it was cool to share his bed with two girls who aren’t his girlfriend. 

Alex is no longer with Nicola after dumping her via text, before sleeping with Liv days later. Neither of them wants a repeat performance but it appears as if he thought it was acceptable to flirt with Frankie. Yep, the girlfriend of his ‘best bois’. 

And Louise isn’t single but she isn’t with Alik, but she’s dating her personal trainer, but she was also flirting with the French graffiti artist. The personal trainer is is coming to visit her, but so is Alike. 

Ollie has realised that he is very and he’s dating a cutie who is, well, very cute. 

Sam and Tiff are happy and loved up and Jess is playing fashion guru / relationship advisor to everyone. 

I think that’s it, and I think that’s all. I could be wrong, because I’m hella confused! 

If you are too, the next episode is on Monday at 10pm on its usual channel, E4. 

Maybe by then I would’ve figured out what the hell is going on, coz right now I have zero idea. 

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Coach Trip – Road to Ibiza: Jealous jokers, eye rolls and Debbie downers 

I had a few episodes to catch up on so there was too much coach based action to create any kind of proper review. So I thought I’d switch it up with some some advice for our travellers.  

Debbie and Ashleigh: Firstly, you’re about as mature as a Dairylea slice! I can’t help but think you just don’t like the young hotties that are Lauren and Holmest. 

You’ve spent the whole trip saying how you want young, lively people and when your get two more; all you do is moan about them. 

Is it coz Liam + Josh are spending time with girls who aren’t you? You say the new girls are fake, but you spend most of your time with Alex and Rochelle… #JustSaying 

Ed and Alex: Alex, stop rapping. It’s not good, it’s not even remotely funny after the first time and I’m cringing everytime you do it. Also, is it the only rap song you know? 

I guess Alex is rapping again.

Josh and Liam: Putting your arm around someone isn’t flirting. Your obsession with Jess and Abi’s relationship is kinda creepy. They’re relationship is NOT your business. And I feel like you’re confusing ‘being a lad’ with ‘being a twat’. 

Talking to someone or touching them does not mean they want the little D’s. Btw, no one is buying the gentlemen act. And if they are, I know a good hospital where they can spend spend some time. 

“Nothing gets past our eyes without us rating it.” Really boys. Really? Not very gentlemanly, is it?

And for the love of Christ; stop calling yourself Ballers. 

THIS is a Baller.

Abi and Jess: If you don’t want to be on this trip then you should go home. A free holiday is no reason to put yourself through negativity and spending time with people you clearly don’t like.

Your relationship is your business and if people don’t respect that, it says more about them than you.

Alex and Rochelle: Just breathe occasionally. Seriously, breathe. And turn the volume every now and then. As much as your friendship is cute, this double standard at the vote is frigging annoying. 

You made a big deal of telling everyone else to deal with it when you voted for them, yet threatened to kick Ed and Alex in the groin if they voted for you again!

Lauren and Holmest: Your seem like nice girls, but you’re young. So take it from an old bird, STEP AWAY FROM THE D. Don’t let the piggyback’s and cheeky smiles delude you. 

Dan and Andy: You seem nice, but there’s time yet… 

All this Ballers, banter, lad stuff is childish. And as a viewer it is annoying to watch a group of adults acting like pre-pubescent teenagers on a school trip. 

Maybe I’m old, maybe I’m boring. Or maybe I just don’t need to be in a group within a group in order to prove who I am. 

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NH

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Coach Trip is on E4 at 7. 30pm on weekdays. 

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Coach Trip – Road to Ibiza: It’s just fun… But it’s not

Give this international tour guide a break!

Like most words in the English language ‘fun’ is relative. My best friend’s idea of fun is reading about the latest Kimye drama, while mine is often watching football. It doesn’t make either of us more right or more fun, it just makes us different. But judging by the events and the voting on the last few episodes of Coach Trip, being different is a bad thing. 

Firstly, Gina and Lisa weren’t fun because they were older and Mum’s. I’m all for age appropriate fun, but it’s not like they were giving Ed and Alex a lapdance in their thongs! And frankly Ashleigh and Debbie, if you don’t want to go on holiday with your Mum then it says more about you than any other tinker.

Too Mumsy? Or just mature?

Then Hannah and Alex weren’t fun because they prefer more intellectual pursuits.

And judging by the comments, Abi and Jess were too different because they were lesbians, didn’t want to hump newcomers Liam and Josh, and unlike other couples – yes, you Alex and Rochelle – they didn’t act as if the sun shone out of their arses.

The last one annoyed me the most, for the two semi-professional footballers suggest that the girls were unsure of their sexualuty and that they ‘could get in there’ was insulting and disrespectful in the extreme. Based on what we’ve seen of the boys, can you imagine them smiling sweetly if someone tried it on with their girlfriend? Exactly! So why should it be any different because the girl in question has a committed partner who is also a girl. It’s idiocy like that that gives non-league footballers a bad name.

As for the rest of the crew, Rochelle and Alex are showing that they are more than just annoying catchphrases and synchronised hand gestures. They know exactly what they’re doing, as proved when Alex commented on their vote for Gina + Lisa: “That’s the name of the game, and we’re in it to win it”. 

That’s a declaration of aim if ever I’ve heard one! 

It remains to be seen if they will win the trip to Ibiza or even if they’ll last until the end. And judging by the recent contestants I probably won’t either…

Coach Trip is on daily at 7pm on E4.

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Celebrity Big Brother: Bear Necessities

Big-Brother-2016

I realise the futility of over-analysing a subject like Celebrity Big Brother.

Continue reading “Celebrity Big Brother: Bear Necessities” →

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Made in Chelsea – South of France: Plowing, flirting and dropping bombs

For a girl whose family make exquisite cars, Liv Bentley sure has a trashy mouth. She was at it again this episode, as she described her dalliance with Alex in the same way I would expect Mummy Felstead to describe how she tends those countryside lawns! Although her partner in that night of crime wasn’t much better. I can’t decide if his dumping of long-term girlfriend Nicola by text was worse than the fact that he could barely remember ‘shagging’ Liv. 

Although he trumped himself wih the revelation that he’d been flirting wih Frankie behind best bud Jamie’s back. Although I have no idea why the blonde jester would be surprised, Mitten slept with his ex Tara within weeks of their break-up. His failure to keep his dick in his pants is well documented…

Meanwhile the returning Francis Boulle seems to be the most eligible bachelor in Cannes as he bedded Toff after arranging a date with Miss Bentley. Once again I suspect that our excitable blonde is going to get her heart broken again as we see her and Jess chastise Liv and Francis at the wine tasting. 

I don’t know what Boulle was digging for in Africa, but the boy certainly found some game. Two girls on the leash from a boy who struggled to get one back in the day. I’m surprised he hasn’t hit on Jess yet as they both do like a skateboard!

In better news The Blonde couple are not the ones having relationship problem -as yet. Sam and Tiff look suitably loved up and I have to say that the young Watson’s bikini game has been on point. If I could get her abs, I may give up carbs sometime this century.

It also looks like we’ve seen the end of Louise and Alik as she was flirting with a French graffiti artist before informing him that someone from London, who she was already dating, was coming to visit her. Do you remember the innocent, slightly topic Louise from the early series? Me too. I miss her…

Made in Chelsea: South of France returns to E4 on Monday at 10pm.

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