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Tanya Bardsley is a “hormonal psychopath”.

Her words, not mine. I would never be so presumptuous.

The last time we saw Tanya, she was gathering the aforementioned hormones before stomping out of Stacy’s dinner party; a party convened specifically for the purpose of limiting the fallout from ‘Currant face-gate’. Unfortunately, this is Cheshire; a place where, if we’re to believe that these people are indeed ‘Real’, you are never more than three minutes away from someone misunderstanding an innocuous remark and imposing sanctions.

The scene is set for Episode 3.

In her introductory credit, Missé advises us that she’s modelled all over the world, but Cheshire is her catwalk now. While this may be true, her experience so far resembles Naomi Campbell’s catastrophic collapse vs. anything she might want to put in a look book, but with Dawn Ward claiming early on in this episode that she intends to apologise for the now famous fruit based insult, the first fifteen minutes of this episode are relatively peaceful.

Poor Missé. She has no idea that her remarks regarding Northern accents have inflamed Tanya’s pregnancy-related hair trigger temper and despite Leanne’s attempts to calm her down by forcing her into complex yoga positions and finger painting, she’s reached DEFCON 2 by lunchtime.

Meanwhile, Ampika’s got the estate agents in. Unfortunately she’s not moving far; a sentiment shared by the poor fella who’s come round to value her home who flees in terror after Lauren turns up,and tries to set him up with Ampika.

But Lauren is upset. Her marriage to Paul is on the rocks and, presumably at the behest of the producers, she opens up to Ampika.

Lauren’s crying. Ampika’s crying.

“You’ve got brains and balls – you can fly!” cries Ampika, through tears and bronzer.

I didn’t expect Ampika to have a functional understanding of aerodynamics, but would’ve assumed she’d be down on the biological aspects of her wild claim. Now I’m in tears too.

Luckily, there’s a club night planned. It’s an odd club; well lit, populated by people joyfully ignoring the request to not stare open mouthed at Ampika’s latest outfit (colour: red, material: limited) which is only marginally less startling than the camo leotard she ground her way through the ‘Diva Fever’ fitness session in. (Don’t ask.)

Much to her disgust, the big talking point of the night isn’t her dress or lack of it, but Dawn and Leanne going at it on the dancefloor. And not in a good way.

It appears that ‘Currant face-gate’ is not dead. It’s very much alive and escalating by the second until Leanne’s polite request for Dawn to say sorry is met with a bellowed ‘NO!’ and the two face each other in silence. It’s a groundbreaking moment in reality TV. I literally had no idea they were capable of silence.

Will Missé regain her balance on Cheshire’s catwalk or plummet into the second row, arms flailing? Can Lauren actually ski? Is it possible for pregnancy hormones to provoke spontaneous human combustion in a woman? What happened to that poor estate agent? What the hell is Ampika wearing?

Join me for next week’s episode. 10pm, ITVBe. Bring your own dog food.

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KW

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RHOC is on ITVBe at 10.00pm on Monday.