I quite liked Elliott Wright when he was on TOWIE, in fact I rooted for him and Chloe Sims to make it work. But halfway through his new show I started to think she dodged a bullet. 

Now don’t get me wrong, El’ seems like a nice fella. To his Mum and his kids. But the only thing he seems to love more than the sound of his own voice was letting everyone else do all the work. We saw him shopping, training on the beach and getting a massage; all within the 72 hours before ‘the biggest night of his life’. 

Now I’ve never owned a restaurant before, but I’ve been working in them and bars since I was 15 and I’ve never seen an owner as lax as El. Who checks that the correct dishwasher had arrived on the DAY of the event? I dunno who gave you that €1.5million love, but I think you might need to find a better way to pay him back. 

It wasn’t all his fault though; there’s a girlfriend who probably needs to be reminded to breathe and a motley crew of staff who appear even more desperate to be on camera than Wright. 

Manager Eoin, who was crudely sacked on camera, despite being ‘a lovely bloke’; may have actually had a lucky escape. I doubt any of the staff will work in the industry again, that’s if they ever had. 

And don’t get me started on the production! I dunno whose idea it was to mimic Lock, Stock & Two Smoking Barrels but in my opinion they should join Eoin on the unemployment scrapheap. It’s not good, it doesn’t work, and it’s as heavy-handed as Sadie’s eye make-up. And not in a good way.  

The only genuine moments in the opener was Elliott talking about his Dad’s cancer and his affection for his mother. That aside, I ended up wanting to raze the who thing to the ground with the majority of the cast in it. 

Which brings us smoothly to a swift comment on TOWIE which seems to be having a cast crises with numbers multiplying by the episode. Tonight we were joined by Amber; girlfriend of Chris and BFF of Georgia. She seems a sweet girl but I’m not really sure what she will bring to the table bar a pack of rollers and a tin of hairspray. 

And the more we see of Chloe and Courteney, the more I feel like they were just jettisoned in to give Megan some support during her entrance. Because right now, they are as miscellaneous as Michael Hassini’s shirts! 

And while I don’t condone arguments of the 2on1 variety, I’m not surprised Chloe felt she needed Lydia for backup given Megan’s habit of launching herself at people  For all her proclamations that she’s changed, even Lockie admitted trouble seems to follow her. And from the looks of things that isn’t about to change anytime soon. 

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NH

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TOWIE shows on ITVBe on Sundays and Wednesdays at 10pm. Playa in Marbella returns next Wednesday at 9pm on the same channel. 

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