It’s that time of year again, when autumn reminds you that you’ve had no summer, when you realize you have to spent Christmas with the in-laws again; and when a collection of stars, diamonds and poor comedians make their way into a room to sing and be embarrassed/praised by a bunch of people at a really cheap table.
And if that sentence was hard to swallow, it’s nothing compared to the amount of X-Factor we’ll be force-fed over the next four months. But we’ll still watch it, we’ll still talk about it and moan about it like our lives depends on it. It’s the reality TV disease. And would we have it any other one?
Twenty minutes into the latest series and already controversy is stalking the grassy aisles of the Bake-Off marquee. Not, as is the usual case, because someone’s opened a fridge or accidentally cut their own head off with a butter knife, but because in a room of twelve adults, only a few seem to know with any certainty which way up a Jaffa Cake goes.
In the beginning, there was a fresh faced, deeply confused medical graduate called John Dorian. JD to his friends.
JD arrives at Sacred Heart hospital as an intern, only to find that spending half his life in college and medical school has not prepared him in any meaningful way for being a doctor. Let alone a human being. His attending physician hates him, the only thing he knows how to find in the hospital is the cupboard he hides in to cry and within ten seconds of arriving, he’s been identified as a hate figure by a janitor who once played a cop in The Fugitive (Ed – I never knew that!).
I thought this was Made in Chelsea, not Playa in Marbella…
I can’t keep up with the Chelsea lot. Who fancies who, who’s slept with who and who wants to sleep with whom.
I mean is bloody hard to keep up when these lot swap partners like the rest of us swap lipsticks. So to recap…
Francis has been hooking up with Toff, but he had a date with Olivia and they have a connection.
Jamie is worth Frankie, but being the little scamp that he is, he thought it was cool to share his bed with two girls who aren’t his girlfriend.
Alex is no longer with Nicola after dumping her via text, before sleeping with Liv days later. Neither of them wants a repeat performance but it appears as if he thought it was acceptable to flirt with Frankie. Yep, the girlfriend of his ‘best bois’.
And Louise isn’t single but she isn’t with Alik, but she’s dating her personal trainer, but she was also flirting with the French graffiti artist. The personal trainer is is coming to visit her, but so is Alike.
Ollie has realised that he is very and he’s dating a cutie who is, well, very cute.
Sam and Tiff are happy and loved up and Jess is playing fashion guru / relationship advisor to everyone.
I think that’s it, and I think that’s all. I could be wrong, because I’m hella confused!
If you are too, the next episode is on Monday at 10pm on its usual channel, E4.
Maybe by then I would’ve figured out what the hell is going on, coz right now I have zero idea.
I had a few episodes to catch up on so there was too much coach based action to create any kind of proper review. So I thought I’d switch it up with some some advice for our travellers.
Debbie and Ashleigh: Firstly, you’re about as mature as a Dairylea slice! I can’t help but think you just don’t like the young hotties that are Lauren and Holmest.
You’ve spent the whole trip saying how you want young, lively people and when your get two more; all you do is moan about them.
Is it coz Liam + Josh are spending time with girls who aren’t you? You say the new girls are fake, but you spend most of your time with Alex and Rochelle… #JustSaying
Ed and Alex: Alex, stop rapping. It’s not good, it’s not even remotely funny after the first time and I’m cringing everytime you do it. Also, is it the only rap song you know?
I guess Alex is rapping again.
Josh and Liam: Putting your arm around someone isn’t flirting. Your obsession with Jess and Abi’s relationship is kinda creepy. They’re relationship is NOT your business. And I feel like you’re confusing ‘being a lad’ with ‘being a twat’.
Talking to someone or touching them does not mean they want the little D’s. Btw, no one is buying the gentlemen act. And if they are, I know a good hospital where they can spend spend some time.
“Nothing gets past our eyes without us rating it.” Really boys. Really? Not very gentlemanly, is it?
And for the love of Christ; stop calling yourself Ballers.
THIS is a Baller.
Abi and Jess: If you don’t want to be on this trip then you should go home. A free holiday is no reason to put yourself through negativity and spending time with people you clearly don’t like.
Your relationship is your business and if people don’t respect that, it says more about them than you.
Alex and Rochelle: Just breathe occasionally. Seriously, breathe. And turn the volume every now and then. As much as your friendship is cute, this double standard at the vote is frigging annoying.
You made a big deal of telling everyone else to deal with it when you voted for them, yet threatened to kick Ed and Alex in the groin if they voted for you again!
Lauren and Holmest: Your seem like nice girls, but you’re young. So take it from an old bird, STEP AWAY FROM THE D. Don’t let the piggyback’s and cheeky smiles delude you.
Dan and Andy: You seem nice, but there’s time yet…
All this Ballers, banter, lad stuff is childish. And as a viewer it is annoying to watch a group of adults acting like pre-pubescent teenagers on a school trip.
Maybe I’m old, maybe I’m boring. Or maybe I just don’t need to be in a group within a group in order to prove who I am.
Let's Watch Telly 