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Given the budget cuts the BBC can’t afford the travel involved in Total Wipeout, so they’ve rented a children’s ball pit and made sure Zoe Ball earns her retaininer by sticking her in the presenter role alongside Diversity’s Ashley Banjo.

I can’t believe that no one before me realised what a weird pairing this is. Zoe’s exuberance reminded me of a Mum who gatecrashes her child’s house party. I imagine Fatboy Slim banished to the sofa while she jumps on the ones and twos, until she decides to show her twerking skills on the captain of the university football team.

And Sue Perkins is doing the commentary. She’s basically a taller Richard Hammond, but she is far better than this. The cheesy and unfunny joke suggesting she was locked in a room somewhere wasn’t funny the first time, never mind the tenth! Sue, please burn that awful script. I’ve got a lighter you’re welcome to use. Damn, I’ll do it for you.

But the presenters aren’t the worst thing about the show, nor are the contestants – hell I love a freebie as much as the next person. The most awful thing about Can’t Touch This is the show itself. The concept, the execution, the ridiculous way the BBC actually paid people who thought this was a good idea.

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On what planet was a man dressed in enough protective gear to add a stone in weight so he could leap through the air and touch a – pretty average – car seem as the way forward for Saturday night TV. He was even wearing a bloody neck brace! Give me Ant & Dec presenting anything over this, even the controversial Black and Red show.

Don’t get me wrong, I love to laugh at the failures, bumps and slips as much as the next person. I think one woman actually broke her nose. But it’s no Takeshi’s Castle is it?!

It’s lazy and it’s contrived and I’m pretty sure I’ll only watch it again if…
If never.
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NH
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If you wanna give it a go it’s on the first channel on Saturday evenings.

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